Monday, June 4, 2007


this is alice. just a brief personal note. those who see our comments on joe, b, mimi blogs don't know jack personally. let me say one of his best traits is his humour, no matter what he faces. he is one of the most popular persons at my church, although as you know he is not catholic. he's discused rcia with Joe and others and with people in our parish including the rcia director. several parishoners are quite upset that he must undergo extensive instruction and a probation period when they all know he is very familiar with catholicism. they have contacted other priest in our city who say they will wave the 'total package' as the u s bishops suggest. but jack does not want to upset our priests who, and i must say this, are afraid of jack. he contributes thousands of dollars every year to my parish, and we are certainly not rich. he went with me to a social justice meeting a month or two ago and , made only one comment about how he admired this work of the church, but was totally ignored and treated poorly by the priest. several members of the committee called to express their concern. i will not serve on any committee at my church, but will continue
to support it with attendance and money.

this is a partial transcript of a short talk he gave at a church dinner, the people loved it, including the rcia director. i have transcribed it as best i can, and hope it does not offend. it is to be taken as parody. Alice


Good evening folks. My name is Glamorene Stubbs your RCIA teacher. Some of you know me as Mrs. Wallow, Mrs. Potts as well as Mrs. Stubbs for the time being. I have 3 kids. One by each husband, you might think. But I have only been married once. The Church in its wisdom has told me that my first two marriages were not real, just play like marriages. Where that leaves my kids, I'm not sure, but whatever.

But let's get started.You have been divided into three groups. Now let me say I'm not going to use fancy Eastern terms. Too confusing. I want you to understand so where i feel I should I'll use common folk language. Now the three groups. To my left the heretics--see every day words-- Methodist, Lutherans, Baptists who are right, say, 5 per cent of the time, max. On my right the pagans. They are never right, and should consider themselves lucky I'm going to save them from hell. The third group: Father Quiverful and me. Obviously we are almost always right, and---listen to this--- when I sit in this chair I am ALWAYS right!! I' m not completely sure why, but it has something to do with ex catheder. Something about a church leader can never make a mistake when he sits in a chair. Well something like that!

We will meet about 30 times. At the end I will give you a grade. A pass-fail system. IfI say you pass, and you serve a year of probation, you are on your way to heaven. BUT, if you fail, you will be tied up, put in Homer's pick-up, and droped on the lawn of the local Assembly of God church. Ha, Ha, just a joke.

I will do most of the teaching, but we will have 2 or 3 guest speakers, For example, on chastity as a great virtue, Sister Virginius will speak on that kind of naughty subject, As some of you know, she is 85 years old and has never had a DATE. So she knows what she's talking about!

Our rhythm speaker---the Eastern elite, ha, ha, call it NFP---I don't know what that stands for--something like no fun petting, will be Mr. and Mrs.Tired, and as a special treat this year they will bring their 16 children. This couple works six jobs between them, and we are really lucky they can get off the late shift at the pancake house to be with us. Another interesting point; there oldest son was --hold on--was Gay , a fancy Eastern term---Hilary Clinton uses it. But we're just real folks so feel free to call Eusebius, a reformed Queer. He went to some group called Courage or carnage, whatever, and was cured. We were all thrilled when he came back and sexually assaulted the cheerleader next door. PRAISE THE LORD!!! Incidentally before he was 'changed' he planned to be a priest.

And probably our BEST guest of the year. You all saw the coronation of our new Pope{ By the way, wern't those costumes simply OUT OF THIS WORLD--makes protestant preachers look downright shabby} Well you heard the TV people talking about the excersizer of Rome. You know the one that makes you throw up evil spirits and causes you to float in the air. Okay, if you don't believe me just watch the movie!!. Well father and I think we can get one to come here!! When not exercising--I think that's the word--he's been working as a greeter down at Wal-Mart. Where your old clothes that night a case you get thrown up on by the worst person here, and when they float to the ceiling don't stare. You may enjoy it but the floatee certainly won't!!

Okay, let's assume you pass. Final test will be the merits of obedience--you know, poverty, chastity, obedience. Hilary Clinton is supposed to pass through here.
We will protest, of course. You will be ask to carry a sign saying "Hilary Clinton kills Babies" or, if you don't like name calling,"All Democrats Kill Babies" or for you timid ones "Fry All Baby Killers".

The grauation ceremony will be held at the bishop's palace. Yow, I know he prefers house instead of palace, but it sure beats the Methodist parsonage. You can give him a small gift and, if you desire, kiss his ring. Don't worry about germs. Two deacons will be there to wipe his ring with clorox after each kiss. Then he will present you with a small gift in recognition of your not being sent to hell. Last year his gift was a coupon worth 15 per cent off on his summer tour:The Holy Places of Las Vegas.

One last thing. You are free, of course, to talk to Father Quiverful. Just one word of caution. Don't call or visit him on Tuesday or Thursday--those are his golf days. And no calls to the rectory after 7 p.m. Father is a greatLaw and Order fan. Any Questions? Oh, when you leave, heretics by the side door, and pagans through the kitchen door.

my catholic friends enjoyed jack' little routine and our rcia director wants a copy. i didn't get it all transcribed[the recording was fuzzy] but still working on it. and you think catholics can't laugh!!! Alice


  1. Hi Alice!

    This is a hoot! Thanks for stopping by my Anglican post. I know it is a bit rough and perhaps it is a rehash of old saws. But it is new to me, in that I need to think about why I am Roman when the Anglicans seem to be making all the reforms I'd like to see Rome make.

  2. b, i'm going in circles. i'm catholic because to repeat: a sound theology in the main with a multitude of 'experts' to explicate it. a powerful and mostly right ethical stance. a liturgy and devotional framework second to none. alice

  3. Hi Alice,

    I agree. I am hoping that B16 will infallibly declare that infallibility was fallible. But overall its still home and the best there is. Barely. The Anglican right is awfully tempting.

  4. listen b, i spent over 4 decades with jack's 'conversion' {notice the single quotes} our church can't afford to lose you!!! alice

  5. Alice,

    How is Jack doing? I am praying for the 2 of you--I hope that you're coming through this battle OK...
    Love (agape!)

  6. caitilin, jack is mentally great;physically---well. we'll just have to see. we both greatly appreciate your concern. have enjoyed your comments! alice